Cake for Carnivores

Today I feel the need for a break from many things... studying, a cold bedroom, a brewing migraine, an empty belly, and the yelling of the children next door as they try to get in some early morning shouting practice before the imminent drizzle. So naturally I have decided to become a food blogger.

I am terrible at food. I think cooking is mostly pointless unless you are doing it for other people or paying other people to do it for you. There is a reason that my string of ex's is mostly made up of aspiring chefs and the food network obsessed. It is rare that I have a recipe for anything that is worth passing on. The exception is some random recipes I use for parties, which tend to be high-concept more than anything else.

A few years ago, I threw a party with the theme of Realisticism. Everything was filled with fakery, including a bunch of foods that looked like things they weren't: sushi made of candy, sandwiches made of donuts, and cupcakes made of meat. While the sweets made it through most of the party, the cupcakes were gone a few minutes after they came out of the oven.

Recently, one of my friends had a birthday, and mentioned he doesn't like cake or sweets, so I mentally revisited my savory cupcakes and decided to give them another go today. They are cheerful and comforting and (like myself) they are made of meat.

This recipe is adapted from my favourite childhood cookbook, which I still use regularly, as you can see from the grimy pages.  When I first made this recipe, probably sometime around age 6, I rated it as "good." Sometime after that, the recipe was upgraded to "GREAT!" (Thsi was probably around the time my mother declared us to be vegetarians and outlawed meat in the house. At this point, if I got straight A's in school I was allowed to have one meal made of meat, with the caveat that I also had to cook it myself.) This recipe has obviously served me well, unlike the one for Crater Ham Loaf, which was rated as "bAd" and "yuck."

What you will need: 

For the cake:

1 egg

½ cup milk

¾ cup quick-cooking oats

3 teaspons salt

1 teaspon instant beef boullion

½ cup chopped onions (frozen ones work well)

1-2 tablespoons horseradish (or more or less to taste)

2 ½ pounds ground beast

About 16 silicone cupcake cups

For the frosting:

4 oz of cream cheese (half a package)

¼ cup butter (half a stick)

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (also half a package, if you like packages)

2 packages of instant mashed potatoes (yes I’ve tried real ones, mother. They aren’t the right consistency unless they get gluey. Just trust me and go with the instant)

Food Colour (I use frosting color, because its badass and doesn’t thin the frosting.)

Assorted sprinkles (bacon bits, chives, etc)

Piping bag and tip, or enough skill to use a Ziploc bag with the corner cut off

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

I like to mix everything but the beast together so that things don’t clump up. As a child, we used very old beef bouillon, and I once got an entire cube of it in one bite. Don’t let that happen to you.

Once the ingredients are mixed to the consistency of breakfast vomit, add meat, and mix it all together. I didnt get a picture of this part, because my hands were covered with meat, but just imagine that you've seen it.

 

Cut the mixture in half, then cut each half in quarters, then cut those quarters into eighths. Or just grab random wads of meat and roughly fill your cupcake cups. I use both freestanding cups and a muffin-tin style thang. Either work, but the cups are better for display. They don’t need to be greased or floured or any of that nonsense. The meat will shrink a little in cooking and shed some fat, so it is best not to overfill. If they are too greasy, you can tip it out of the cups really easily when they have finished cooking.

Bake for 25-30 minutes until the tops are crusty and brown. Mine probably could have gone longer, but I was impatient and worried about them drying out. 

While the cakes are cooking, listen to some gangsta rap covers and start on the frosting. This has the added bonus of quieting the children outside as they strain to hear the naughty words coming from your kitchen. This is also the time when Certain Family Members smell cooking and get excited about the prospect of food.

To make the frosting, start a pot of water boiling. You’ll need about 3-4 cups of boiling water. Add the cream cheese and butter to a bowl. We are going full Julia Child here, people! 

Smother it with a blizzard of potato flakes. 

When the water boils, start adding it to the bowl. Deduct about half a cup per package from whatever the packages recommend-- if they get too thin they are hard to pipe. I added slightly too much water, which made my end product a little runny. If there isn’t enough water, you can also thin them using a little bit of milk.

Add the cheddar cheese and food color while the potatoes are still hot. A little bit of icing food colour goes a long way. This isn’t like the drippy stuff. I think the recommended dosage is a toothpick full. 

I couldn’t find a toothpick, so I used a tiny spoon. It was way too much, and now everything in the kitchen, including the floor and my hands has a sort of pinkish cast to it.  If you are really fancy, you can add the cream cheese last, and make some white swirls through the frosting, or divide it up and make multiple colours. That’s way too much work for me.

Let the frosting stand for a few minutes to thicken, while the cakes come out of the oven.

When the frosting is cool enough to handle, dump it into the piping bag, and pipe the crap out of the cakes. Unlike real cakes, they don’t really need to cool before you do this. I am terrible at piping, and it looks like a unicorn with dysentery was in my kitchen. I’m ok with this. I also got it all over my everything.

Lastly, sprinkle the cakes with savory sprinkles. I used jalapeno-flavoured bacon bits and chives. I think pretty much any herb will work, as would cheese, dried onions, spices, or crushed potato chips. Powdered Cheetos would probably have been a good choice. Its mostly about colour and silliness.

Meatcakes are best enjoyed while they are still hot, but they do look pretty in a stand.