March, Mayhem, and Motherhood

As of this writing, it is March. I am now nearly at my Month Seven milestone.

I am tired of being in bed. I can kind of get around now, I walk almost like a human. But then I suffer swelling and pain for subsequent days. It turns out that I ruptured a bunch of ligaments in my right ankle, and my chronic under-reporting of pain made the doctor think my injury was less bad than it truly was.

I am now scheduled for surgery in May and FIVE MONTHS of recuperation thereafter. I won’t be able to drive during this time. This will put me at about 13 months since my fall. I am displeased with my inability to travel or perform other outside-the-house shenanigans. As a result, I have begun to act out of spite. The doctor has told me I shouldn’t drive “more than a mile or two.” and to “limit walking.” These seem like fairly vague suggestions. All I want to do is get out and about and stop feeling like a beached mermaid.

As I type, I am ensconced at a Starbucks in a maul, writing on my laptop just like a Real Person. Ok, I did commandeer an extra chair so I could put my foot up, and I brought my crutches so that I could steal a handicapped parking spot. I may also have forced the barista to make up my order. But other than all that: Total Real Person today.

Unfortunatey, its a Friday, and its unusually sunny. This is an outdoor maul, and it is full of Other Real People. I kinda hate it. I kinda hate it a lot. But now I’m entrenched and staying just because i’m finally out of the house. To add insult to injury (or something) the entire maul is decorated in Happy Face balloons. Between that and the sunshine, it is aggressively cheerful. I feel like i’m in a really bad remake of The Watchmen. I want to pop them all.

Maybe its the blonde caramel macchiato talking, but I’m starting to think the Real World is not really as exciting as Netflix made it seem. I haven’t seen a single super hero, and nary a mystery has needed solving since I arrived.

As I typed that, a woman approached me and asked me if I could watch her plants. Perhaps the day is perking up!! I am now RESPONSIBLE for LIFE! I did make her promise they wouldn’t misbehave, but we all know people make things up about their children. Not gonna lie.. hoping for a vegetative murder spree on my watch.

It is now Day Two of Plant Watch (translation: ten minutes in). I’m not sure how long I’ve committed to this venture. Maybe the plant mother walked in one door of starbucks and out the other. Perhaps they’ve been abandoned. Maybe i’m now a mother. I’m not sure about the legality, but if she doesn’t come out soon with a coffee, I may have to adopt. That’s probably legal in this state. I was going to get another coffee, but I guess I should start saving for plant college.

Three minutes later: Alas. Bio-mother has returned. The plants have continued on their way. She did ask me “Did anyone swear at them while I was gone?” I’m not sure what that was all about. Was she questioning my maternal skills? Because I hardly even talked to them, I just let them have a little coffee and people watch. I told her there had been nary a murder spree. She exited quickly. Real People are weird, I’m going home to Netflix and chill-my-ankles.