An open letter to the people on my flight

Dear people of United flight 1401 from Bonaire:

I hate you. I hate you all. I hate you sooo hard. But some of you deserve special hateful attention.

Lady in front of me, whyyyyyyy would you bring blue cheese as a snack on a plane? I will eat blue cheese like a fat french girl, but i dont want to smell it rotting in your pocket for five hours. It is not improved in any way by you eating it in a closed space where everyone else needs to suffer your disgusting tastes. And putting it on seaweed crackers? That should be considered an olfactory war crime. I wish to convene a tribunal!! PS, the only thing that stank isnt covering is the smell of your husbands cheese farts. 

And you... The kid next to me, who is made of elbows. You are a third my size and taking up most of both of our seats. I am crammed against the window trying to sleep, but you keep hitting me with your elbows like an ass (if that ass was made of elbows.) If you cant contain yourself, put away your freaking phone game and take one of your mother's xanax. I now understand why she chose not to sit in the same row as you and your sister, and i hate her for inflicting you on me. Also, i hope you are learning a valuable lesson about reading over other peoples shoulders. While we are at it, please ask your mother about the following topics at your earliest convenience, preferably loudly and around a dinner table full of guests: bestiality, crotchfruit (and why it should be avoided), god's rainbow sexy time, and what 50 shades of grey is really about.

Sincerely,

A fellow passenger.